4 Artists You’ve Never Heard Of But Should Totally Know That Are Kinda Like Katy Perry Except They Sing Live & On Key

A Four-Part Katy Kleasne For Those Hungover From Super Bowl Halftime Half-Assness

By: Michael Korte // @michaelkorteduh

Katy Perry has 64,400,000 Twitter followers. She holds 3 titles in the Guinness Book of World Records. She has sold more than 81 million singles worldwide. She shares the trophy with Michael Jackson for the most consecutive #1 records. Katy Perry is doing something right. Singing live and on key is just not one of them.

In an interview, Perry once described herself as a ‘fatter version of Amy Winehouse’. …Um- somewhere there’s a Grammy winner rolling in her grave right now. Dare I say- they tried to make her go to voice lessons but she said, ‘No, no no’.

There is nothing wrong with Katy Perry as a human being. She’s got 64 zillion fans paying 64 zillion dollars to hear, see, and smell anything she touches. It’s no shock the NFL & NBC would scratch and purr to knab a piece of Perry. And yes, last night’s show was filled with spectacular lighting and costumes and special effects and choreography. Just don’t believe the illusion- Katy Perry did not sing live during the halftime show. She screamed live but she did not sing live.

For goodness sake, it’s 2015, which means it’s essentially 3008 so can we officially declare that lip-synching is so 2000 and late? For the Aretha’s and the Janet’s and Aerosmith’s and all the other gargantuan, genuine talent that have had the honor to grace the halftime holy-land you’d think (or hope) Ms. Perry would want to go out there and give it her best. Her genuine, honest, live best. Joke is on us.

Sure, Lenny Kravitz was sex on fire but Katy was just so damn… Katy. Katastrophic. Kitchy. Kommon.

Hands down, the three minutes of ‘Missy Elliot Mania’ were the best 3 minutes of halftime hoopla since Mrs. Carter took the stage two years ago. Missy Elliot eats Iggy Azalea for breakfast. Still stuntin’ how you love that? We bow down to you, Missy. And, Ms. Elliot, you looked hella skinny. Mad props. Go, get your freak on.

There is some good news in all of this. There are a select few pop princesses’ in training that you’ve most likely never heard of that are #kindalikekaty…except they sing live. And sing well. And they deserve to be on your radar. Some are California girls, some are not. Some of them kiss girls and some of them like it. They all roar. And they are all bound to fulfill your pop music teenage dreams. They are ‘dark horses’ if you will. If Katy Perry got Kelly Clarkson lung implants these 4 women would be the result. Comprende?
Meet these 4 phenomenal women below:

#kindalikekaty Artist #1: Celeste Stoney
Must Hear Track: My Kinda Crazy

Celeste Stoney is the love child of Pink, Chaka Khan and Adam Lambert. She’s got soul and pipes and crazy lung power and sass for days. The once American Idol contestant is destined to carve a memorable imprint in the pop music landscape. Girl can blow.

 

 

 

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